As I sit writing this I have a pounding headache going, I'm not sure where this came from but it sucks. Lack of caffine today? Possibly. I'm banking on the fact that I actually just sat down after a busy day and my poor head can't keep up with all the craziness.
I keep typing things out to say and then hitting the back space bar every other sentence. How do you describe the "Meh" feeling? Lately when people ask me how I'm doing, I say the common "I'm fine," I'm good," "Doing great, and you?" But that's not how I really feel. What I really want to say is "Meh. I've been better." But in doing so, it brings on the conversation of "what's wrong?" Well nothing in particular is wrong, per say, I just feel... not right. Maybe I'm tired. Bored. Restless. Anxious. All of the above? I can't just exactly put into words everything that is.
I'm actually starting to wonder if I'm suffering from anxiety. Sometimes I don't know even know how I handle everything without losing it. Everyone just keeps telling me I'm strong but how much stronger can I be before I crack?
Ugh..
This isn't about anything is particular. I love my husband, I love my kids, Love my family, friends, clients, just something is not right with me. And that's all I can say at this point in time.
But one thing is very certain. I need some sleep.
(and none of this made any dang sense)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Getting it all out
Well, If you are reading this then your obviously interested in what I have to say. Congrats! I know I can be witty and dumb, sometimes all in one sentence. So hopefully what I have to say will keep you entertained! I wanted to start writing a blog because I have so much to say on facebook and often what I write starts these huge blown up debates when I'm not meaning to. This is perfect for me to get my thoughts out there. You can chose to disagree or agree and better yet if you really don't agree well then don't read this! Perfect, right? I thought so too. Be forewarned though, you lurker you.. I will write about God. I will write about my family. I will write about friends and I will write about whatever random thought comes into mind. I'm not here to argue with you about the realness of my one true savior. I'm not hear to argue about politics (and yes I will post about that), I'm not here to defend my son's healthcare to you.,(because the fact is you don't know what were going through. The end.) So like I said. Read and agree or disagree or don't read at all. With that being said on to today's first topic..
Forgiveness.
So some of you close to me know the family drama I've been going through since Dylan came into this world. If you don't know, well it's just that. Baby daddy grandma drama. This woman has not stopped trying to ruin my life since I've known her. She's pited me against my ex, against my family, tried to sway my son into thinking his dad and I are terrible parents, she bribes my son with money, toys, candy, and whatever she can get her hands on. She stops at nothing to get what she wants. And back in 2009 she took us to court to get visitation rights and won them. Thank you TN. (not!) Ever since then it really has been hell for us and most recently she is trying to put us in jail. I won't put on here the specific reason why we won't let our boy go see her but I will say she is crazy. Like clinical crazy. Ok, well now you know the history so lets get back to the topic of forgiveness.
How do you forgive someone who does all these things to you? I want to forgive her and move on. That's the right thing to do however it's the hardest. And I realize I can forgive her without liking her or speaking to her. But I find myself obsessing over this part. Maybe it's because this has affected me since I was 17. Maybe it's because I know I will have to put up with her until my boy turns 18, she dies, or the court will finally rule in our favor. Either way she's here and I hate her with such a passion I wish death upon her often. That's so ugly to think that way and I'm embarrassed to admit that but it's the truth. I don't like feeling this way. I don't know the answer. (obviously) I probably won't know the answer, all I can do is pray. Pray that God takes away this hate and that I can move past this. And I also pray that God will give me the wisdom to think above and navagiate through the sneaky schemes she throws at us. And as always, pray for me and this situation.
-Jess
Forgiveness.
So some of you close to me know the family drama I've been going through since Dylan came into this world. If you don't know, well it's just that. Baby daddy grandma drama. This woman has not stopped trying to ruin my life since I've known her. She's pited me against my ex, against my family, tried to sway my son into thinking his dad and I are terrible parents, she bribes my son with money, toys, candy, and whatever she can get her hands on. She stops at nothing to get what she wants. And back in 2009 she took us to court to get visitation rights and won them. Thank you TN. (not!) Ever since then it really has been hell for us and most recently she is trying to put us in jail. I won't put on here the specific reason why we won't let our boy go see her but I will say she is crazy. Like clinical crazy. Ok, well now you know the history so lets get back to the topic of forgiveness.
How do you forgive someone who does all these things to you? I want to forgive her and move on. That's the right thing to do however it's the hardest. And I realize I can forgive her without liking her or speaking to her. But I find myself obsessing over this part. Maybe it's because this has affected me since I was 17. Maybe it's because I know I will have to put up with her until my boy turns 18, she dies, or the court will finally rule in our favor. Either way she's here and I hate her with such a passion I wish death upon her often. That's so ugly to think that way and I'm embarrassed to admit that but it's the truth. I don't like feeling this way. I don't know the answer. (obviously) I probably won't know the answer, all I can do is pray. Pray that God takes away this hate and that I can move past this. And I also pray that God will give me the wisdom to think above and navagiate through the sneaky schemes she throws at us. And as always, pray for me and this situation.
-Jess
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